The Light of Christmas

I was watching a movie the other day "The Christmas Cottage."  An elderly artist was struggling with a painting and he realized that he was concentrating on the pain and darkness of missing his beloved wife and instead he needed to paint the light!  Light!  He painted a beautiful picture of the light shining through the leaves. He said to Thomas Kinkade in the movie, "I have been trying to paint my sorrow, to show a bleakness of a world without Nicole, but then you came with a candle last night, and I knew what Nicole's memorial should be. Not darkness, but light. Sometimes we can barely see beyond the forest to the sky. I was painting the leaves of the forest and never saw the light of the sky behind it. Now I see it. That's all I need to see now."

I watch my daughter paint and it is amazing to see the light reflected in her work.  She recently painted a picture she entitled "Aspen" and it truly reflected light and life and glorious beauty.

When you walk into a darkened room, the colors do not show up at all but turn the light on and "voila," colors are everywhere! As my son and his wife turned the lights on their tree last week, we noticed how the lights were reflected in their bay window. What a beautiful sight! 

My Lonnie loved Christmastime, everything about it:  the music, the joyous smiles of our children, celebrating Advent as a family in our home as we prepared for Christmas Day, lighting the candles, making gifts and putting together toys, drinking eggnog, decorating our house inside and out (including  our fake snow in Guam and real snow in North Dakota), going to the mall and watching the people scurry and hurry along, Christmas Eve service with the luminaries all lit, the Christmas story on Christmas morning, the chaos and the fun...and the lights.

Jesus is the Light of the World.  We need His light to shine brightly in our lives, to dispel the darkness. During this time of Christmas, I am making a mental note to concentrate on the "Light." I want the beautiful Christmas lights to remind me of our Savior who was born a baby in a manger. Later in his earthly ministry He said the words, "I have come into the world as light, so that everyone who believes in me should not remain in darkness" (John 12:46). He also said, "I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life" (John 8:12).

This year I am concentrating on the Light

     ....and the music

          .......and family

               ...... and the joy that continues in our grandchildren's faces and our children's faces as they rejoice with their families 
                     .....and the joy of Zach and Tiffany bringing little Ruby home for Christmas.   

But most of all, I want to fix my eyes on the Light; on Jesus who came into the world to bring us hope and peace in the midst of the storm. I want to reflect His light to the world around me even as those windows in my son's house reflected the lights of the Christmas tree.  

So when we see those twinkling beautiful Christmas lights, let's remember the love of our God who sent His only Son to be our Light and who will lead us home.

Thank you, God, for leaving the Light on for us.  


(The song Light of the World by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir started playing on my computer as I finished this blog. My computer was on shuffle play.  I thought that was very special!)

"HopeGrams"

I wrote the following "HopeGram" for Karen Sebastian. She is a blessing to all who know her and are blessed to read her words, hear her speak or witness her daily walk. I recommend her blog to anyone who wants to be encouraged in the Lord.  Also, I ask for 
prayer for healing and strength for her wonderful husband Bill.

Finding Renewed Hope Every Morning

Lamentations 3:22,23 “The steadfast love of the Lord never changes, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness.”

This is the verse that was whispered in my ear the morning I discovered my precious husband Lonnie had passed away.  It was a horrible experience, yet the Lord was with me every step of the way. A general and his wife came by our home in Germany to bring comfort. As he hugged me he softly spoke to me of God’s love and mercy. These are the words that continue to ring in my ears as I walk through these days without my beloved husband.

Our daughter, Jennifer, painted these verses which I framed and had hanging in my room in my son’s home in Massachusetts. Every morning I would wake up and see these words promising God’s love and mercy and faithfulness. It helped me to keep my focus on God when I would have that ache of realization that Lonnie is not coming home. He is not on another deployment. He is in heaven with Jesus.

There are so many verses that minister to my heart and I could fill the page with verse after verse. This particular passage seems to bring it all together for me. I may not understand why, but God’s love never changes and He is merciful and faithful.

Lonnie was a chaplain in the Air Force and my life revolved around his life. We lived where we lived because of his assignments. I would do what I could to help him in his ministry and the ministry we shared. I would wait at home for him when he went on assignments to Korea, Kuwait, Iraq, etc. We longed for times to visit our children (who are all married and are having children of their own) and would dream of the days we could be with them while serving in the military. We also dreamed of what we would do after he retired. Then, suddenly, he was gone. My dreams of our future together were shattered.

We sing words like, “You are all I need” and “You are my everything” to the Lord. I have had to find out if this is true in my life.

Well, I miss my Lonnie so much. It has been two years now since he went to be with Jesus. Our children and grandchildren also yearn to have their father and grandaddy back and that hurts my heart because he was so much fun and full of wisdom, kindness and love!

I need the steadfast love of our Lord that doesn’t change! Things in life do change but He stays the same. Lonnie would be the first to point us to Jesus and say that He is the only Answer and is what we need for each new day. His written letters and words are marked in our memories. One encouragement Lonnie repeated very often was “to live each day with eternity’s values in mind.” It is easier to do that now for eternity seems so much closer.

I am thankful for God’s people too! I thank God He placed precious ones in our lives to share His love with us.

In January 2010, I went back to Germany to close out our house. I also was preparing my little car so it could be transported back to the States. As I was making sure it was completely cleaned out, I noticed a single church bulletin that had slipped under the driver’s seat. I bent down on my hands and knees and pulled it out. It was dark and snowy and cold. The wind blew the piece of paper out of my hands and it flew under the car. It was so windy that I thought it was gone. I walked to the other side of the car to check under the passenger seat and found the paper was on the ground. I bent over and picked it up. I found nothing else in the car except that old bulletin. It wasn’t until I walked inside my friend’s home moments later that I saw the verse highlighted in the Bible readings for a Sunday back in July 2009. It was Lamentations 3:22,23 and I knew this was not an accident. It was another sweet confirmation of God’s love and presence in my life even in my sorrow. I was overwhelmed by His love. I still have that bulletin--a precious reminder and treasure.


Dear Father,

I thank You for Your love which is unchanging, your mercies that are new every morning and Your faithfulness. I do feel lonely for Lonnie, but I know I am never alone. You are with me. You have been with us all each step of this journey. Help us to look forward to each new day and to “live each day with eternity’s values in mind.” Your mercies never come to an end. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Journeys in September

September, what an amazing month!  It started with a birthday party for Zoe, a journey with my best friend Terri to visit her brother at Camp Hope in Connecticut, on to New Jersey to see Jeremy and Crystal and my three handsome grandsons there, a side-trip to Amish country in Pennsylvania, a visit with  Susie and her family, a beautiful wedding back in California, another journey with Jen and her girls to attend a lovely wedding for my niece up in Washington and then back home again by way of my brother Stephen's house.  (And that is all in one sentence!)   

We experienced joy, anticipation, thankfulness for friends and family, a splash, a smash and towards the end a sigh of relief. Throughout the month I was again reminded how precious and fragile life is. And as my adorable daughter-in-law Sunnie jokingly asked me, "We needed to be reminded of that?"  I don't think so, Sunnie, but we were and I am not sure why?  Questions.  

Zoe had a joy-filled, beautifully decorated birthday party complete with tutus, pompoms, princesses and cake pops made by her mommy. 

Christine, Terri and Christina

The next day I flew to Atlanta (thank God for safe flights) and Terri and I embarked on a wonderful journey up to Camp Hope where I was privileged to meet her dear friend, Christina. Terri had told me so many stories about this lively young lady and I was blessed to meet her.  She never loses a game or if she does Terri wins. (I had a bad month where games were concerned. Next time! Oh, I think I did win a game of Rook up at Jason's house! Woohoo!) She does everything to make a person as comfortable as possible and her Russian accent is the cutest.  She works at Camp Hope in the summer and then goes back home to Russia and ministers to orphans and children in need. She is an extremely loving and gifted young lady.  

She treated us to a ride on a Sea-Doo and assured us that we would not get wet.  We didn't (well, she and I got splashed just a little but not Terri) until the very end when we all "gracefully" tumbled into the surprisingly warm Connecticut waters. It was hilarious! The splash! 

We had sweet times of walking, talking, going to rain-soaked Brimfield, worked on projects or just fed the birds and marveled at the beautiful skies. We left Camp Hope on 9/11 and attended a wonderful church service on our way to Jeremy and Crystal's new home.

We were so thankful to spend time with Jeremy and Crystal and their precious family. I think they have their hot water turned on now! :) We had fun walking to the ocean just blocks away, playing ball, seeing Logan and Elijah go off to school and come back again, learned another card game which Terri won, loved experiencing their family together and watching the boys eat red ice cream (they choose ice cream for its color). Thanks, Jersey Barkers, for a great time! We love you!

Eventually, we headed south after visiting Pennsylvania and picking up some treasures in what I affectionately call "Amishland."  We love to visit there. We were blessed to see Susie and her family. We were treated to delicious food, great fellowship, a private concert by Ann, and a trip to a very cool fabric store the next day, oh and Susie's famous bread! Yummy!

Our next goal was to get to Atlanta so I could fly out the next morning back to California.  We had driven maybe 30 minutes when the "smash" happened. A utility van with ladders on top suddenly had some cement siding boards catch in the wind and two of them flew off and came right toward us. I was able to dodge one of them but the other one hit us directly in the front window.  


Thankfully, Terri and I were both fine, not a scratch on us, but the window was shattered and we were stunned. We called Mike, took pictures and waited on the side of the road for the highway patrolman to come. He deemed it an "incident" not an "accident"! We were so grateful for God's presence with us and that we had worn sunglasses that morning and had even joked about them when we put them on. (Life is precious!) The man from the van was very helpful to get us to a glass shop to have the window replaced and within two to three hours we were back on the road, watching every truck or vehicle that was hauling anything and thanking God for His protection. We arrived in Atlanta at 2:30 a.m. and I flew out early that morning.  Terri drove safely back home. Thank God! 

Lunch with Uncle Stephen

After celebrating Nicole and Andrew's incredibly beautiful wedding, Jen and I took off for Washington for my niece  Lindsay and Jeff's wedding. We had a safe journey to Washington and we stopped along the way to enjoy lunch with my little brother Stephen.  


We enjoyed the children's playing together and fun times with Jason and his family, Tiffany and Isaiah. We had sweet times with Lola's family and my baby sister Karen. (We had a great time with Steve and Kristi and their children and grandchildren on the way back to San Diego. Thanks to all for your love and kindness to us!) 

Jen and five little ones with their Zobo Dolls

At the rehearsal dinner little Zoe started running a fever, was very hot and lethargic. She had a very croupy cough. I was holding her and she suddenly began to jerk and tighten her hands and legs. I motioned for Jen and Jason to come out into the hallway and she was full-on having a seizure which later we learned was called a febrile seizure. She was not responding to her mommy when she would talk to her, just looking off into the distance. 


We were in a fancy restaurant lobby area calling out to Jesus to heal her and stripping off her clothes to cool her body. The  people working at the restaurant were so helpful, giving us cold compresses, cold water bottles to put on her back and doing whatever they could to assist. They called 911 and the emergency technicians soon came and Zoe started responding. I had never experienced anything like that with our four children and our sweet daughter, our Jason and I felt helpless except to call out to Jesus and try to do everything that people were calling out for us to do. Jen was in anguish and my heart was breaking for her and her precious Benji who flew up to Washington the next day to be with his wife and daughters.

Thank God, (sigh of relief), Zoe is back to her liveliness, improving everyday, cough is dissipating and she is making us laugh and causing us to be filled with thanksgiving. Zoe means life and we are reminded again how precious life is. Jen and I talked today and wondered how many times God protects us from things and we are totally unaware. 


Zoe's going to dance class today! I'm praising Jesus!

So, Lord, we will trust You for You hold it all together. You are the Giver of Life, You love us and You are with us.  We will trust You for our hope is in You.


Our September journeys were made complete with signs of God's presence, protection, love, healing and hope everywhere even as we experienced fear and shock. I am thankful He is always with us. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5). Some things we just don't understand.


"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope" (Romans 15:13 ESV).

Tiffany's List

Blocks made by Grandaddy and set up by Jen and Benji and Zoe last Christmas

Our daughter, Jennifer, and I have been talking about how so often the seemingly small things in life are what really become the big things when we look back.  We are finding that to be the case with our precious Lonnie. Sweet little memories tucked away that just come out of nowhere! These memories bring us laughter and tears. He really was faithful in the "small things" as well as amazing in the big things of life.  


Funny little occurrences also come to mind like walking through Walmart and hearing the words:  "Lawn and Garden, Lawn and Garden" and Lonnie and I would look at each other thinking they are calling "Lonnie Barker, Lonnie Barker." This always made us smile. He would play with his wedding ring when he was driving, take it off, twirl it, pretend like he lost it....and then I'd see that smirky smile which let me know he was just kidding! 


Lonnie made blocks (shown above) for the grandchildren and these little blocks are treasures to us now.  He made the first batch of blocks for Tiffany 23 years ago when she turned one year old.  We have a picture of our children sitting around the table painting blocks. He would spend so much time sanding the blocks for our little ones, making sure and hoping they would never get slivers. 

Even the little ones notice sweet things: I was helping Jen make cake pops for Zoe's birthday.  I took my rings off while doing this task. About half an hour later, Zoe says, "Granmommy, where is your ring and grandaddy's ring? I wear Lonnie's ring and mine above it to keep it on my finger.  She noticed they were not on my finger. It was really sweet to me. She loves that I wear them and it just seems right to me.      

Tiffany wrote a message to Jen on her birthday and it shows this to be true as well.  I think we are learning it is so important to be faithful in the "small things"....because they become what we cherish!  The seemingly insignificant word or kindness or funny event brings us joy or comfort that keeps on going!  


I loved Tiffany's list she wrote for her sister and she gave me permission to put it on my blog.  

For my sister on her birthday, 28 memories with you

1.  When you accidentally set a firework off in the house.

2.  When I accidentally stepped on your wedding dress and made you fall down in the sand.

3.  When Dad used to drop us off for school and sing as loudly as he could while we ran away completely embarrassed.

4.  When you showed me a picture of your new friend named "Benji." It was the only picture you had at the time.  He looked like he was trying to pull a palm tree out of the ground.  

5. When you got old shoes from the antique store and they kept falling apart.

6. When we ran around in cowboy boots scared of the squirrel that got into our house.

7.  When we made that music video in Guam.

8.  Dipping candlesticks into different colored wax.

9.  When I wore your new clothes without asking.  :/

10. When you used to let me hang out with you and your friends. I remember that disco ball in Steph's car.

11. When we had a big curtain down the middle of the room.  My side had teddy bears, your side had glow-in-the-dark stars.

12. When you fainted at Six Flags and I cried because of what happened right before that. ha.

13. One time I was sitting in the balcony at church and I watched you greeting everyone with a bright smile and so much love.  I admired you. I still do.

14. When we used to be ice skaters spinning around in the living room in our socks while Jason and Jeremy were the announcers.

15. Remember pocky in Korea?

16. When you were in labor with Zoe, someone accidentally called me and all I could hear was, "Breathe, just keep breathing!" I started crying because I thought you couldn't breathe. :)

17. When we used to swing dance.

18. When we made Green Bay Packer cheerleading costumes.

19. Remember when we got that phone call from Daddy while he was in Korea? He told us we were moving to Hawaii...pure joy.

20. Speaking of Hawaii...plumeria.

21. When we saw Harrison Ford on the pier.  Daddy stood there in his hat and Hawaiian shirt, camera around his neck, trying to get a pic. (Side note from mom: He got a good picture  and with Harrison Ford's permission).

22. When we used to collect keys from antique shops.

23. When I accidentally bumped your car into the landlord's truck.  Wait, did I ever tell you about that?  um.... anyway...

24. When Mommy used to braid our hair into angel braids.

25. When we used to write messages to each other under our bed.

26. When you introduced me to Swedish Fish.

27. When you painted a picture of that house I fell in love with in England, the one with the English garden.

28. When we became best friends, somewhere between all of these memories and years, you became my very best friend in the whole world. I love you, Jennifer Michelle, you are the best sister in the world.

Family Walks

A while back I was asked to speak for a small group up in Washington. They wanted me to share how we coped with being in the military, moving and family life. My post on Choices also came from  the preparation I did for that meeting.

As I was preparing, I thought it would be wonderful to get our children's perspectives. I would love to share all of the letters they wrote in response to my query and I believe I shall one of these days. As I was looking back through my journal today I saw the following words regarding Jennifer's letter: "My daughter said she loved family walks."  Jennifer said she loved them because we would just walk and talk and listen.

I remember one walk we took when she came home to Alabama from college in California.  Lonnie, Tiffany, Jennifer and I (and our dog Allie) went walking along the Alabama River at Maxwell AFB.  We started out as a group and then broke up into couples and it was so sweet to look back and see Tiffany and Jennifer arm-in-arm walking together and deep in conversation.

Walking with Lonnie

One of my favorite pictures of Lonnie and me was when we were walking on a rainy day in Virginia (thank you Tiffany for the picture). Everywhere we moved, walking was part of our life.  We loved walking in the forest near our home in Germany, along the Potomac River in DC, at Hickam Harbor in Hawaii, etc... The toughest place to get our walk in was North Dakota but we would even walk there in the winter inside a huge building that contained tennis courts and a walking trail.  Lonnie would run and then join me in a walk around the track. 

Such a sweet family memory and tradition! Dreams for the future and events of the day were discussed and sometimes maybe nothing of consequence but the time spent together was priceless. Thankfully, our children are spending time on precious walks and talks with their families and I have the privilege of joining them as well!  Lonnie would like that! 

Oh the walks Lonnie must be having now!  Lonnie is experiencing the words of the hymn "In the Garden" in an awesome way (and I am in a different way):  "He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own and the joy we share as we tarry there none other has ever known." Thank you, Lord, for walking and talking with us as we continue our journey here on earth.  

Our family is growing....we need double strollers now!

Walking and playing frisbee golf

Off they go!

Words Fitly Spoken

Our little Jason

"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."  Proverbs 25:11 



I received two messages recently from our son, Jason, and they touched my heart and came at just the right time.  They came seemingly "out of the blue!"


The first was five days ago:  "I want you to be full of joy and love all the days of your life!"  


The second came today:  "You are the woman God created you to be.  You are His precious daughter and He loves you dearly.  Live with freedom and joy." 


Words fitly spoken!  Such encouragement!  Thank you!


I am so grateful for our children and their precious spouses who encourage me all the time.  They are all blessings and gifts from God.  

Crying Like a Baby

I have been incredibly blessed to be with our children as they are welcoming precious little babies into their families. It hardly seems possible that God would bless us in such amazing ways with these precious new lives.  I also rejoice and admire our children for the way they have walked in faith and trust in the Lord through the past couple of years.


The other day I found myself crying like a baby.  It just hit me afresh!  Lonnie is not coming home from a deployment.  I was driving back from the airport after dropping off three precious little grandsons and their mommy. The car went from being full of life and chatter and activity to....me....in my sweet little Ford Focus.


I decided to drive by the ocean to see the sunset and saw couples walking together.  It's easy sometimes to just start feeling sorry for yourself.  The awesome husband God gave me is not with me now to walk hand-in-hand and enjoy the sounds of the ocean and the beautiful skies and, most of all, our children and their children.


But then, I remember the precious days we spent together and thank God for the memories of days gone by and for the memories our children's families will make together in the future.  And their Daddy is present in their stories, laughter, and remembrances.


So, I cried out to God who was with me in my pain, cried pretty much the rest of the day and I knew that I was not alone.....I may be lonely for Lonnie but I am never alone. God is with me.  I thank Him for that and for letting me sob and cry out to Him. I called out to my children and their precious spouses who pray with me and for me (and I know so many dear family members and friends who continue to pray for us).


Tiffany reminded me that on the day her Daddy died she asked me, "How are you ever going to make it without Daddy?"  She said that I responded, "I have Jesus.  He's right here with me.  I have Jesus." I can hardly remember what I said that day, but I am thankful He has been with me every step of the way.


I thank anyone who would continue to remember us in their prayers as I covet those prayers for me and our family.  I pray today for those who have lost loved ones.


I think God is doing a new thing in me where prayer is concerned. I know He is!  Oh God, thank you for teaching us to pray and for the examples in the Word of those who prayed and who also asked for prayer. We really need each other, don't we?